Monday, April 21, 2008

Distraught

Do you ever have one of those days when absolutely nothing seems to go your way? When everywhere you turn, something seems to be going wrong? When the little things seem like the biggest deal in the world, and you feel completely helpless? When there's no one around to turn to, no one to hold you or console you or just tell you that everything's going to be ok? I had one of those days this past weekend.

I don't know why, I don't know what started it, and I don't know why everything kept compounding and making everything else seem even worse. But it was just a horrible, no good, very bad day. All day long nothing seemed to be going my way. Every person I talked to seemed to have something negative to say about me, or what I was doing. And everyone else just seemed too happy compared to me that their simply being there pissed me off. At the end of it, all I wanted was to be by myself. So I told everyone to go to dinner without me, said I wasn't hungry, hoped for some time alone.

And they left. And I was alone, like I thought I wanted. I went to take a shower, hoping that would make me feel better. Freshen up, start the night clean and happy. But I walked to the camper to get my stuff to take a shower, and half way there, I broke down. I started crying. I have absolutely, positively, NO IDEA why I started crying. But I did. Big time. Like, had to run the rest of the way to the camper so no one would see what a mess I was kind of crying. Sitting on the bed gasping for air kind of crying. My friend's dog was in the camper, and I think he sensed that something was wrong, because he got up and came to me and just watched me. Normally when people come into the trailer, he barely lifts his head off the bed.

By the time I composed myself, I don't know how much later, people were starting to get back from dinner. I stealthily snuck into the shower so no one would have to see my red puffy eyes and start asking questions. There's nothing I hate more than trying to explain something that has absolutely no reasonable explanation. Why was I crying? Why were all these little things getting to me? Why did I want so badly to be alone, but at the same time, feel like all I needed in the entire world to make me feel better was a simple hug? For someone to tell me that I'm not alone, that I can do it, that I can get past whatever it is that's wrong. Sometimes it's hard to admit that you need someone to be there for you. But I do. I need someone.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

My biggest fear

I'm afraid of elevators. No, not afraid. Petrified. I hate them with every ounce of my being. I work on the 4th floor of my building, yet I can not walk up the stairs to my office, because they are emergency stairs and the doors at each floor are locked. So every morning, I wait in the lobby until some unsuspecting, normal person who is NOT afraid of elevators, comes in, and I ride up with someone else. I CAN, however, walk down the stairs. So at the end of every work day, you'll find me exiting my building at the bottom of the stairwell.

I found this through someone else's blog today, and it sums up pretty well why exactly I have this inane fear:
http://disembedded.wordpress.com/2008/04/14/madness-trapped-in-elevator-car-30/

Monday, April 14, 2008

Hi!

I don't know what made me decide to start a blog. I'm not one to share how I feel, or what's going through my mind. I tend to keep things to myself, but I love telling stories, when I have them. Lately, I've had a lot of them.

My life is typically pretty drama free. It's easier that way, so I try to keep it like that. But I've had a lot of changes happening in my life lately, mostly for the better- or the best- but all changes will have some sort of effect on your life. And for some reason, mine have been super dramatic lately. And I don't necessarily mean dramatic in the "oh-my-god-you've-got-to-be-kidding-me" kind of way. Some of the things that have happened lately are just flat out funny. So I guess my goal with this blog is to try to tell some of them. Although I'm assuming I'll be the only person to ever read this, so it will probably wind up being a sort of personal journal for myself. So in a few years I'll probably look back at this, and hopefully laugh at myself. Because I think that being able to laugh at yourself is one of life's greatest pleasures.

So....welcome to my life.